At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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