The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
