i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize