Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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