??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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