my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
