I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize