Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
