I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
