If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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