Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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