You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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