My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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