My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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