the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Welp...herpes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
