How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
