I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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