I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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