Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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