Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
