I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
