If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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