Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
