id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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