I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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