I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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