you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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