i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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