is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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