I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
