I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
