textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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