Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize