I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
