she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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