I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
