Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
