She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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