New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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