My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
