I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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