when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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