this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
