It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
