I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
