I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
