Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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