You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Houston, we have a blender
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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