I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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