On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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