OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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