Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
