i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
