I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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