Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
